Here I Am: Search Me

By Klaire Smith

I have been overwhelmed with my inadequacies all summer in light of who God is. I have asked myself what God is teaching me this season, but I can’t find an answer. I felt so near to God 4 months ago. I knew what he was teaching me, and from that, I was teaching others. I prayed that he would allow me to be faithful in my little, and in my little, I was faithful. But now, I simply have no idea. I feel like an imposter. How could I go from such a sweet closeness to this cold distance?

woman looking towards the sky

Last week I was on the phone with a young woman I mentor. She was feeling reservations about being asked to co-lead a bible study on the college campus she attends. You see, she recently became a Christian. I baptized her about nine weeks ago. Seeing God work in her has been life-changing and monumental; I never wanted that season to end. God has already done so much through her. But she can’t see this. In her mind, she is not ready, not knowledgeable enough, perhaps even not worthy enough.

My advice to her was what any wise mentor would say. I told her it wasn’t her work anyway. It was God’s. All she has to do is be a vessel for his use. I told her that God delights in the weaknesses we obediently admit him to use because he showcases his strength there. I  reminded her that growth comes from saying yes in faith. Also, we easily fall prey to doubting God when we are the ones who put a lid on the empty jar of our lives and then wonder why we aren’t growing. Where is God’s power now? We demand as we seal our lid on nice and tight. We discussed how God is much bigger than we can imagine and how he invites us into his work because he loves us. 

And then, not even 5 minutes later, my husband said the same thing to me. Immediately after giving “such great advice,” I showed the same fear, the same self-imposed importance dressed as humility that my mentee did. How could I not see this before? It hit me like a ton of bricks. After being taken out of a season of easy teaching and learning, I had sealed my lid, allowing for no new opportunity God wanted to call me into. Unknowingly I have been telling God all summer long that if he didn’t use me in the particular way I had enjoyed, he could not use me at all.

I still don’t know what God is explicitly trying to teach me this season, but I will do everything I can to step aside and let him work. Seasons change, circumstances change, but God is the same. My prayer now is Psalm 139: 23-24.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Psalm 139:23-24 NLT

Here I am God, search me so that you can send me.

Scripture quoted from New Living Translation. Photo by Yuri Manei on


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